Ozark Riverway (1 of 19)The fireflies are thick at night here, a silent symphony of sparkling lights, speaking to one another in some fractal pattern I can see but am to simple to understand. Yet I can sense the music they are speaking to one another because despite my inability to understand them, I can see they understand one another and work in an easy sort of harmony and that I can appreciate.

Lying in this hammock under an umbrella of trees, with the thicker forest behind me, I feel myself wrestling with many different realizations

* I love Jesus, but I am a jerk

* My sexuality is not my identity , yet it is how I judge those around me

* And while I am mostly okay with my singleness, I also let it rob me of my joy because in my heart I want to share life with someone and have in turn, let an idol become my identity

I don’t know who you are or when I’ll get to meet you or whether we will have 2 months or 42 years. What I do know is that I am sorry that I have been selfish and have judged you. You may wonder why I’d even say that but it’s the truth of all close relationships. I will want something out of it for me and I will judge your actions or lack there of because they don’t look or conform to mine. Inevitably my humanity will raise her head and she will be fully lacking in grace.

I find that my heart is somewhat bitter and jaded, as if fighting inner truths of myself I can’t yet understand. I have had made very poor choices for the most part about whom I have dated.  The man I should have stuck with I ran from because when you aren’t good enough for yourself, you seriously doubt the motives of those who see goodness in you. I am not that person anymore, pieces of that girl still exist but I am learning it is less of who I am and much more whose i am. Please know now, whom ever you are, that while I desperately want to share life with you it is only because my God, in whom my identity lies, has known my heart fully first.

I ask you please pray for me.  Please know I will need accountability to not idolize you or this relationship; I will prioritize it in such a way that it won’t reflect the glory and love of our Savior.

Henry Nouwen reminded me awhile ago in his book The Way of the Heart, about identity, I had forgotten what he had said until re-reading it.

“Only in the context of grace can we face our sin; only in the place of healing do we dare show our wounds; only with a single minded attention to Christ can we give up our clinging fears and face our own true nature… Christ points the way in walking with the compulsion of false self saying, ‘ You must worship the Lord your God, and serve Him alone.’ He affirms that God alone is the source of true identity.” {Romans9:16&18}

And truthfully, I am maybe understanding He is the only spouse I will ever know. In a hypersexual world where choosing to abstain and live a chaste lifestyle is nearly looked upon with distain, maybe this is how I will be called to be ” in the world, not of the world”, because let’s be honest, our current society worships sex and relationships at a level few are willing to take a look at. If I am to be completely candid, the church has done a poor job of mentoring the singles, I may vent on occasion about my frustrations of my relationship status, but the response shouldn’t be one of listing off possible and potential partners’ as if we are playing a non-cyber version of e-harmony. As with any struggle we face, the response should be one of encouragement of pressing in to Christ.  Praying with and for those voicing their struggle, and listening, because as much as I love my friends, none of you will ever be able to fix my problems, ever.

It hasn’t been an easy choice. I’m in my 30’s not dead.  To deny that I have sexual urges would be a lie but to give into them would only declare to the world that my Jesus isn’t enough. That is something I do very well every day already and my tendency is to take this pain to the desert and isolate, convincing myself that I am getting away from it all, but truthfully hidden pain festers and becomes an outward ugliness.

That is why I am writing any of this right now; the culture is changing.  What I believe is being called out as straight up crazy and the bottom line is I can say I don’t know why I believe, Christ is the Savior. I feel like a heretic even saying that but it’s the truth. In my darkest, moments when I doubt myself, my salvation, and yes even my God, there is a conviction that lays at the foundation of my heart, that I did not place there.  That quietly states “I am the truth, the way, the life.” and I cannot tell you why, or how, but I know its the truth. And because I am human, I try to live life as though its not the truth, as if my version of truth is somehow more true.

So I find myself on my knees yet again praying for you, for me, for God’s will to be blatantly obvious, a place I should have gone to at the beginning. I will go on living and I am sensing part of my problem has been I have been holding a piece of my heart aside for you.  And guess what? that’s wrong,… because it doesn’t belong to you.  But because of that mindset I haven’t been living fully in the promises of Christ. However its a dichotomy of sorts because I am still waiting for you, because it’s what I am being called to do. That being said, I look forward to the day of knowing your face and sharing your heart and living in the promises that are ours from the day of Abraham.




2 thoughts on “Waiting

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