Sometimes I Can’t Want To

ImageI can’t breath right now, and it’s not an emotional problem but a literal one.  My face is making mucous at a rate that is really rather terrifying and I wheeze when I breathe.  I have an unhealthy fear of doctors and hospitals even though I make my living working in one, so no I am not going to an urgent care to get a script.  I know that makes absolutely no sense but its my truth and there you are. 

However, in this time of watching the Kleenex pile grow while my brain leaks its lubricant, I finally cracked my bible open for the first time in a week and a half because sometimes I am super stubborn and think I can hack life on my own.  I started Romans a week and a half ago and maybe my subconscious knew I wasn’t going to like what was coming down the pipeline so I meandered off, telling myself reading Streams in the Desert would be good enough… it wasn’t.  So I opened Romans chapter 2 and God showed me some truths at a deeper level, because with Him it is always deeper and further in. 

I have been reminded this week by a series of quotes and then what Paul writes in Romans 2 about all of this.  Max Lucado got the ball rolling with the statement:

Forgiveness doesn’t diminish justice, it just entrust it to God.

Then I turned and read something that Elisabeth Elliot wrote:

Teach me to treat all that comes to me with peace of soul and with firm conviction that Your will governs all.

And then Paul slapped me in the face with Romans 2 and I sat there in the midmorning light waiting for my tea to cool to drinking temperatures and asked God, who am I still judging and not forgiving, please just let me know and I heard him say, the C&MA. 

Gods judgment is something that I deserve but His Son took my stripes.  So when someone wrongs me, however deep the wound, when I do not forgive, I essentially say to the world and to my God, I do not trust God’s wisdom, justice or love and I rob myself the freedom of being free.  Not that this process is quick because I am dense and very human.

There will be some wrongs that will require layers and even seasons of forgiving and even asking for forgiveness but by forgiving I allow my God to walk with me healing my heart and graciously showing His steadfast love to me.

So why does any of this even come up right now, because God told me to forgive the C&MA for something they probably are not even aware of anymore.  I wrote a five page letter asking for forgiveness, forgiving them and in turn asking them to be better, while letting them know I now pray with them.

Have I completely forgiven them, most certainly not but I have started to and I cannot keep pretending like I am the one who gets to judge the world, I don’t have that power and it most certainly is not my job because thankfully I know a man who paid the price and sits on that throne, all so I can be precious in His eyes.

Because the other piece here is that my lack of forgiving allows me to keep buying the lie of who I really am, whom I truly belong to.  By not forgiving I continue to buy that worldly lie that I am not enough instead of starting to accept that it isn’t who I am but to whom I belong to and when I sit fully in that promise forgiving really isn’t all that hard anymore.

So I wrote this letter and through that whole process realized that forgiveness is most usually less about the perceived offending party then it is realizing your own personal growth and healing will never move beyond where you are at unless you do forgive.  The offender may never understand why but in order for me to understand the fullness and depth of my fathers love for me, I have to keep forgiving.  I must keep forgiving because it is essential, in order for me to move through my own emotional stagnation, I have to accept and trust that my God’s justice is much better than anything I could ever come up with on my own. 

And truthfully it is a daily issue that I have to deal with, holding grudges against people, talking badly about others, in general just being an ass, but if I claim that Jesus is the Christ, then I cannot keep proclaiming a wonky gospel with my life by not forgiving.  My ‘can’t want to attitude’ was cute when I was three, it kind of is just stupid now.

What is your ‘can’t want to attitude’ stopping you from.  


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