John 19:10-11 10 So Pilate said to him, “You will not speak to me? Do you not know that I have authority to release you and authority to crucify you?” 11 Jesus answered him, “You would have no authority over me at all unless it had been given you from above. Therefore he who delivered me over to you has the greater sin.”
If I truly believe I am his child, trusting in His good and perfect plans for me, then anything and everything I face, even when perceived as painful or unreasonable, is for my refinement and his glory; how quickly I forget that nothing I face has not gone through God.
I didn’t want to come on this trip to Nicaragua this year, or more clearly put I didn’t give a rip about what would happen on this trip this time. I was mad at a friend and frustrated by what I viewed as a failure of leadership. I didn’t know why I was even bothering. I felt empty, used up, tired, spent, and exhausted not physically but rather, spiritually and emotionally.
But less than 24 hours into the trip, while stepping under a trickle of cold water trying to attempt to rinse the shampoo from my hair without swallowing any random amebae, God reminded me and had me sit down. He told me, “Is there room for improvement, yes.” But it is up to him ALONE to decide when and what that will look like. He asked me to sit with my friend when they were hurting and semi-destroyed and while I did obey that, I had allowed my expectations of other humans to become something only God could be.
If I believe all things that happen in my life because I am his child, only come through him, then I have to trust that even if I don’t like how it looks, that it is indeed good, even when it looks painful and especially when it is painful.
However, the feelings of being empty, being at a place of feeling completely drained were allowed because God knows me well. If I felt in any capacity that I could back some of this on my own I wouldn’t come to him crawling on my knees begging for his grace, presence, and love to flow through me. I would think that I didn’t need him.
Needless to say, I was off the mark and I am glad I was. My truth, my heart truth is this, I do not take my God at His word because I see how I fail myself and how the world fails me and I think the same of Him.
Thankfully the Creator is steadfast in His love, a keeper of all His covenants and a lover of my soul, and He loves me too much to allow me to get away with a disobedient heart.
Which lead me into yet another lesson, praying not just what I think or want for my life or those around me but to truly believe that my God’s will is right and perfect and holy. If I believe that my God is the Creator of the universe known and unknown then I need to trust, in His faith, that all is right and good in Him.
This means prayer, even for others in my life needs to begin with my face to the ground, acknowledging His will is perfect and best but boldly asking for His power to move mightily and with healing and for miracles to become blatant and apparent in all of His people. I don’t get to decide when and how I am used by Him but I need to be more purposeful in seeking His face and knowing His truth imprinted on my heart.
This means I need to be purposeful about being in community where tough questions can be asked like, “Why do I still hold people away from my heart? “, if my Father brings people into my life and my life belongs to Him and my heart knows His truth. Then, when He asks me to step into life with them, it should be in such a way that His life blood is fully reflected into theirs and I can do that without fear because He is what I need and it is enough.
Life is not guaranteed to be free of pain and hurt; in fact, my body dies a little more every day. But in some way, I sense my soul becomes a little more aware of His life, love, beauty, and salvation because my truth lies in this
The Heart That Beats
the visceral cut
where the bleeding begins
my truth ends
beneath the shadows of the
Almighty’s eagle wings
i sense the understanding
of the refugees’ heart in
their new foreign land
where the roads intersect
and I sit in the dust
where my tears mix with dirt
and I find my Maker’s mud
where my bones were breathed
where my heart heard His song
and found daylight’s beat with the rising sun
where my soul stilled and was filled with the sound
of His steadfast love
Be & know my beloved child
Be & know
Is not your name
Is not your title
Is not your cloak to wear
Be & know
I AM the almighty
Creation and un-creation know my name
I AM the covenant keeper
I AM the unexplainable peace
I AM the mercy balm your heart craves when the light
But beloved child
I know your true name
Daughter of the King
Remember who you are & know