Heart Truth

Sunset over Lake Managua

Sunset over Lake Managua

John 19:10-11 10 So Pilate said to him, “You will not speak to me? Do you not know that I have authority to release you and authority to crucify you?” 11 Jesus answered him, “You would have no authority over me at all unless it had been given you from above. Therefore he who delivered me over to you has the greater sin.”

If I truly believe I am his child, trusting in His good and perfect plans for me, then anything and everything I face, even when perceived as painful or unreasonable, is for my refinement and his glory; how quickly I forget that nothing I face has not gone through God.

I didn’t want to come on this trip to Nicaragua this year, or more clearly put I didn’t give a rip about what would happen on this trip this time. I was mad at a friend and frustrated by what I viewed as a failure of leadership. I didn’t know why I was even bothering. I felt empty, used up, tired, spent, and exhausted not physically but rather, spiritually and emotionally.

Why bother???

But less than 24 hours into the trip, while stepping under a trickle of cold water trying to attempt to rinse the shampoo from my hair without swallowing any random amebae, God reminded me and had me sit down. He told me, “Is there room for improvement, yes.” But it is up to him ALONE to decide when and what that will look like. He asked me to sit with my friend when they were hurting and semi-destroyed and while I did obey that, I had allowed my expectations of other humans to become something only God could be.

If I believe all things that happen in my life because I am his child, only come through him, then I have to trust that even if I don’t like how it looks, that it is indeed good, even when it looks painful and especially when it is painful.

However, the feelings of being empty, being at a place of feeling completely drained were allowed because God knows me well. If I felt in any capacity that I could back some of this on my own I wouldn’t come to him crawling on my knees begging for his grace, presence, and love to flow through me. I would think that I didn’t need him.

Needless to say, I was off the mark and I am glad I was. My truth, my heart truth is this, I do not take my God at His word because I see how I fail myself and how the world fails me and I think the same of Him.

Thankfully the Creator is steadfast in His love, a keeper of all His covenants and a lover of my soul, and He loves me too much to allow me to get away with a disobedient heart.

Which lead me into yet another lesson, praying not just what I think or want for my life or those around me but to truly believe that my God’s will is right and perfect and holy. If I believe that my God is the Creator of the universe known and unknown then I need to trust, in His faith, that all is right and good in Him.

This means  prayer, even for others in my life needs to begin with my face to the ground, acknowledging His will is perfect and best but boldly asking for His power to move mightily and with healing and for miracles to become blatant and apparent in all of His people.  I don’t get to decide when and how I am used by Him but I need to be more purposeful in seeking His face and knowing His truth imprinted on my heart.

This means I need to be purposeful about being in community where tough questions can be asked like, “Why do I still hold people away from my heart? “,  if my Father brings people into my life and my life belongs to Him and my heart knows His truth.  Then, when He asks me to step into life with them, it should be in such a way that His life blood is fully reflected into theirs and I can do that without fear because He is what I need and it is enough.

Life is not guaranteed to be free of pain and hurt; in fact, my body dies a little more every day.   But in some way, I sense my soul becomes a little more aware of His life, love, beauty, and salvation because my truth lies in this

 The Heart That Beats

 the visceral cut

                where the bleeding begins

                                my truth ends

                beneath the shadows of the

                                Almighty’s eagle wings

i sense the understanding

                of the refugees’ heart in

                                their new foreign land

where the roads intersect

                and I sit in the dust

where my tears mix with dirt

                and I find my Maker’s mud

where my bones were breathed

                into creation

where my heart heard His song

                and found daylight’s beat with the rising sun

where my soul stilled and was filled with the sound

                of His steadfast love

Be & know my beloved child

                Be & know

Damage

Is not your name

Abused

Is not your title

Pain

Is not your cloak to wear

                Be & know

                                I AM the almighty

                                                Creation and un-creation know my name

                                I AM the covenant keeper

                                I AM the unexplainable peace

                                I AM the mercy balm your heart craves when the light

                                   is dim

But beloved child

                I know your true name

                                It is

                                                Whole

                                It is

                                                Healed

                                It is

                                                Daughter of the King

Remember who you are & know

                                I AM

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3 thoughts on “Heart Truth

  1. Again, I see you making steps in you journey of consecration. Learning to see God at work and in control, even when the actors in His play miss their lines, brings growth in our own lives. I thought of you this morning when I was gnawing on a piece from the profound Watchman Nee. “What is holiness? Many people think we become holy by the eradication of something evil within. No, we become holy by being separated unto God.” The old is gone, the new is come. So now we live in His grace and His strength, even to do the ordinary and the mundane… just a bus driver stuff. It’s the mind set and commitment of the heart that reflect the change within.

  2. It’s so wonderful watching you and your mother communicate on the level that you do. Cherish it. My mother has had Alzheimer’s for the last 12 years and I would give anything to get one word of advice that I hated and refused to listen to when she was able to give it. You are so wise for being so young. I love watching you grow.

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