It’s March and it is snowing in St. Louis and in the midst of the flakes piling up on the trees yesterday, each with their own specific design, not to be replicated, I was yet again reminded that you never see creation trying to be something less than what it was created for. Not once did the muted snow argue with each other about where they would fall, or whom they would pile up with or where their end might be. Creation has no problem what so ever trusting the creator.
So as the blue shadows of the frozenness expanded through the day I was reminded of two very contradictory truths in my life right now:
1) I love Jesus
2) I do not trust that Jesus knows what is best for me, I just like to give it lip service
I wrote that and then had to take a step back because it hurts to admit it and it hurts a bit more to see it on the screen.
You see it is easy for me to have faith that God will provide those things that feel safe, however once things flip into the scary faith zone, those things that I would really have to fully let go of and let God work through me in, in those moments my inner 4 year old shows up and tries to take over the kitchen.
You know the kid I am talking about the one who wants to “help” with the scrambled eggs in the morning and you end up with a half-gallon of milk on the floor, 5 raw eggs smashed on the stove and a screaming child in full meltdown mode. I am driven slightly crazy by that kid, I want them to understand that if they would let me work through them and guide them it would go just fine, but the truth is when it comes to God I am that stubborn four year old thinking my wants are really my needs.
I am reminded of a story from when I was a kid, my family was traveling via car from St. Louis to Northeastern Montana, I was probably around 3-4 at the time. It is a long trip, roughly 2 days equating 20 hours or so of drive time, that is a lot of driving for adults let alone small children whose sole form of entertainment is a fisher price radio with a worn out Psalty tape. I sincerely have no idea how my father stayed sane, seriously children’s music is slightly terrifying.
My parents stopped at some rest stop in the middle of the Great Plains and they took a picture of me being my squirrely self, grinning like a fool have a good time, the picture that followed was one of a child being told the world might end. My shoulder were slumped, my face dejected I looked deflated, life had no purpose in my little brain, from the looks of this picture. Apparently right before that shot was taken I was told by my father I needed to get back into the car, my response was “ I can’t want to.”, now grammatically that is an improper sentence but it speaks the truth of my heart, then and even now.
When I want to do things my way, when I shove Jesus to the side and He comes to me in the silence of the valley and asks me to have faith, my response is I can’t want to, because I am not allowing him to work in me and through me so I can in turn glorify him.
Which brings me back to the snow, my purpose is to glorify my creator. By being in him, so that Him through me can be shone to the world. When I lose sight of my God because I am not in the gospel remembering his justification, sanctification and redemption, my ‘I can’t want to’ attitude shows up in in full force and I forget very easily what my purpose is and get caught up in worldly wants, but our father is faithful, our father is just, our father is a steadfast loving covenant keeper.
It is so very easy to get wrapped up with all that goes around and lose sight of the fact that life is not about independence but complete dependence on he who made me, that in Christ I am for freedoms sake free, that death isn’t the finish line it is the starting line. My God came to me and my response needs to be repent, rejoice, repeat because all of this is for His glory. Not that I am any paradigm of this truth because I mess it up everyday, but thankfully my God loves me enough to keep reminding me even if it’s two truths on a snowy day.
I John 4:13-17
13 By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.